Bittersweet.

I have been filled to overflowing lately with the heart breaking sweetness and sorrow of life. My good friend Sue has for years been telling me to “feel my feelings”. For the longest time I have engaged with this as a cerebral exercise and a bit of a “fake it til you make it” attitude. In our culture (western american society) it seems that emoting and feeling are signs of weakness. I myself have quipped the phrases “I’ll put on my big girls pants” or “put on a brave face” as if sporting even the slightest sign of vulnerability would label me as weak. I have come to realize that “sunny side up” is not a sustainable paradigm if one is to be real and moreover experience the fullness of life. We can take a cue from nature. There is a sunrise and a sunset. There is indeed a dark side of the moon. Trees bloom and leaf out and then drop their leaves and retreat into stillness during winter. For everything there is an ebb and a flow. The tide rises and recedes. We inhale and exhale. So why, oh why do we expect to be perennially happy? I get that happy is so much more enjoyable than sad. Sadness however, is an inevitable component of a full existence. Allow for the true unabashed joy of a moment without reserve and also welcome the heart tenderising sadness of a passing or loss. Both are to be honored and not to be held past their useful life. Love, live, laugh and be sad in equal measure. Be compassionate with yourself and others in all these moments. Be happy for the happy, be sad with the sad. Crack a smile and shed a tear. Be real and true. Be you.

The more I practice (yoga) the more I know.

The more I practice (yoga) the more I know. I know myself. I know that I and everyone I come in contact with is more than the sum of our parts. We “think” we are the things we have accomplished or perhaps we think we are the body that we are in, but I know we are something else. We are good. We are good, not from achievements or acts, or even our appearance. We are not good because we are pleasing to others or ourselves. We are good because we are. I believe at our very core, our essence, we are love itself. We have a treasure inside us that can not be scarred by time or tarnished by deed. This goodness inside each one of us may emerge at anytime and, if fully charged, will emerge with light and power that can bless and heal, love and elevate. It is so strong and powerful that we may be overwhelmed when it is uncloaked. I believe it is when it is uncloaked that we may feel a spontaneous burst of joy that may appear as tears or acts of great courage. Recently, I have witnessed this more acutely in others as I believe it is inherent in me. Yoga has cultivated this awareness in me. I believe it appears more readily in direct relationship to the amount of time I practice being still. It is in the stillness that the well of true knowledge can bubble up and break the surface. This knowledge may uncomfortably disturb the “stories” we tell ourselves about our reality. This knowledge is our truth. We are good. You are good.

Reveal yourself

When I am in a difficult interpersonal exchange I have a habit of either submitting or defending. Neither tactic is particularly useful in resolving conflict. I also find it tempting to seek the counsel of others when I am feeling unsure. This can be useful if the intent is to discover the truth rather than bolster my position. It is a human response to want to seek the path of least resistance (avoid conflict) or to seek reassurance in righteousness (garner support for my position). Revealing vulnerability takes trust. Trust does not necessarily lie in the hands of the person you are revealing yourself to. Trust may be sourced from inside yourself. If your intent in revealing your vulnerability is to allow your heart or intent to be shared and if you trust your own desire to be understood rather than to "win," then you may confidently open up. The outcome of revealing yourself may be that you will be judged, criticized or ridiculed. It might also be that you are seen, appreciated and accepted. Trust that in revealing yourself you completely and freely (without agenda or manipulation) seek to offer your truth. Dare to stand in the discomfort or benefits that follow without attachment but rather witnessing, like a scientist conducting an experiment. Notice what your body is doing. Are you crossing your arms and legs? Is your belly or jaw tightening? Can you stay open and relaxed? Can you trust yourself to be strong yet flexible like a tree — feeling your roots and yet bending to the breeze? Vulnerability is best served with a side of compassion. Understand that it is not everyone's cup of tea. It may be met with hands cupped around the warmth or with a sour face of distaste. If your offering is genuine and from a place of giving then you can trust that it is pure whether accepted or not. Reveal yourself and see what unfolds.

Forgivness

A friend of mine made a Facebook post about perfection tonight and it spurred me to make a post here about forgivness. I replied to her post:

"I hear you and tonight as I sat on my mat I thanked God for forgiveness. Forgiveness is so powerful. It does not excuse my unskillful actions but it does allow me to move forward with hope and recognition that I have a choice in every new moment to meet it freshly and without the encumbrance of dragging along my past. Love and peace to you my friend."

Perfectionism keeps us bound up and in a mode of protection that does not allow us to move freely in our lives. The pursuit of perfection holds us in a place of analyzing, predicting, and posturing. We try to figure out what moves to make (or not make) that will keep us safe from harm, loosing face or failing.

In a recent read — "The Confidence Code" — I was struck by the phrase . . ."Failing fast". I am enchanted with this idea. At first glance it may sound careless. Like charging in "half cocked", without preparation or care. I think what it really means is don't wait to try.

I say . . .fall forward in faith. Have faith in your intention. Focus on that. Try what you will, bravely and have faith that you are allowed to fail. My failures have been my greatest gifts and catalysts for growth (painful though they may be).

I am not perfect, neither are you. Thank God.

Everyone is Buddha

I have been reflecting on the people in my life that have assisted in my growth the most. One might think that the people who visibly support us are the ones that advance us the most. There is no doubt that these people do compel us forward and we thank them. Recently I have felt the joy of having someone I admire express their belief in my talents and it has inspired me to step up and meet that belief, proving myself worthy of it. It decidedly spurs me on. I have also been revisiting the pain of interactions with people who I have had discord with. People who make me bristle to my core and cause me to question myself, my abilities and my worthiness. These people have questioned my motives and intentions and I have cause to thank them. These people are Buddha. They inspire me to check in and ask myself the tough questions. These "difficult" people not only provide the opportunity for introspection they also provide an opportunity to practice compassion for myself and for them. They remind me to look past the words and gestures that are created in the body/mind and to remember that we are all connected and all doing our best at any given moment. They remind me that in my interactions with them I have the opportunity to choose. I can choose to be a victim or a victor. I have the opportunity to look at what is alive in me that contributes to the discord. Am I feeling defensive? Am I afraid? What am I afraid of? What might I be responsible for in creating the difficulty between us? Is there an opportunity to own my actions? To be more clean and clear in my communication with them? This is fodder for rich internal work. I have found that compassion is key in working through these questions. I am ever grateful for the presence of these Buddhas in my life.

Finding yoga

When I first came to yoga I was grieving. In the two years prior I had witnessed my Father's last breath, and that of my beloved dog Franklin, learned my husband had a profound medical condition and that I was harboring a very large uterine fibroid that indicated a hysterectomy. I was randomly audited by the IRS and put another, newly adopted, dog to sleep. My hips and knees hurt, I had back pain, as well as allergies and I was frequently ill with sinus and respiratory infections. It was a pretty intense run. I was looking for something, something greater than my small self. I had participated in traditional "talk therapy" and had availed myself of the guidance of a personal trainer. Both great gifts but they did not satisfy the desire within to connect to my greater self. I had been studying Reiki and was on my way to my Master Level when I found yoga. I remember my first yoga class. It felt like coming home. It was what my mind and body naturally wanted to do. Yoga was the thing, and still is. Through my practice I began to connect to my body and it was a challenge. My joint pain, illnesses, and roundness, made it difficult to bend and balance. My busy mind and addiction to drama made it difficult to quiet my mind. By the grace of God and my own invincible spirit I kept showing up. During the ensuing years I had my ups and downs. I went a entire year loathing my practice. I kept showing up. As illusions melted away and my mind became more trained I discovered my true nature. I also became friends with my body and began to love myself. I am more confident and more compassionate and I take greater care of my body and my relationships. I also still overindulge, use my words unskillfully, let myself and others down, ingest things that don't edify my body and also resist my practice. I keep showing up and with compassion — I witness and address the fears that drive me in the opposite direction of enlightenment. I practice yoga and it has made all the difference in the world. As my husband is given to say, "yoga is the way."

Believing and manifesting

We have a joke in our house. I say "I manifested that!" and my husband rolls his eyes, gives me a sly smile and says "yes babe, you did." My dear, grounded husband, doesn't go in much for the new age stuff of manifesting but even he agrees that what you think you create. For a while now I have been taking seriously the theory that thoughts and speech are creative. Creativity is not a gift, it is a choice. I really believe that we create what we desire. This, in my mind, is creativity. I believe that we keep ourselves, me included, from achieving great things by "editing" our creative thinking. We get a big, audacious idea and then say to ourselves "well that can't happen." More and more these days I am saying, "why not?" A few months ago I woke up with a thought in my head. This thought was that perhaps I could study with a woman I have long admired. A woman who has written many books (seven I think), achieved great things in her a career, a woman I truly wanted to learn from, in person. So I did what we do . . .I "googled." I found out she was teaching in Toronto. I got myself registered, rented an apartment and drove myself there. Then, I showed up. I showed up with all my nervous doubts, and brought along my ideas that I wasn't good enough. Here's the thing . . .I showed up. I put one foot in front of the other and with humility and all the deserving I could muster, I just showed up. For the next days I wrestled with the uncomfortable feelings of being alone in an unfamiliar place without my "crutches" and I just kept showing up. Fast forward . . .I did the work, trained, completed my research paper after the training, submitted it. What happened next was amazing. I received my paper back with some things I could improve on and I also received my certification! Written in the margin of my reserach paper was an invitation to assist this great teacher in her work training others. Pinch me. Pinch me again. Did I manifest that? Before any of us can achieve anything we must first dream it and then we just have to show up. Show up with the vulnerability that we may fail and show up in-spite of ourselves. Show up and see what happens.

Trust that you are enough

Recently I have been challenging the stories I tell myself about my own limitations. It is one thing to be humble about your gifts, it's another to diminish them. I am taking on new challenges and I am trusting that "I am enough." The key for me is checking in with my intention. If I show up in any given moment or endeavor with the intention to be of service then how can I fail? If I stumble, make a mistake or even get it totally wrong I have done so with the intention, pure intention, to share myself and to be helpful. This is worthy and enough. It is natural to want to be "perfect." Perfection is an illusion we impose on ourselves. Nobody is perfect, even if we have deemed it so in our minds. Imperfection is where the beauty is. It's what is interesting, special and unique. Today I led a yoga class for yoga teachers. These people love me and I love them and yet there was a moment as I began to teach that my mind leapt in front of my heart and my mind whispered . . ."who do you think you are? Teaching teachers!" Fortunately I have been working with my mind for a while now and I was able to witness the thought, acknowledge that is was just a thought, presence compassion for myself and then check in with my intention. My intention was to offer a gift of love and healing to these teachers and I just kept going. I quietly said to myself . . ."you are enough." Whatever it is you are called to do trust that you are enough and then see what unfolds.

Storytelling and story believing

Storytelling is a compelling way to communicate an idea. I use this technique in my work as a designer and marketer to implant a picture in the mind of the viewer or reader. Well crafted, a story evokes a feeling, a belief, or an image. This is an effective way to move a person to identify with a brand or specific product. It may create a desire and inspire action to buy. If we identify with a story we take it in to our heart and mind. It becomes part of our person. This not only applies to products and brands, it also applies to our very being. The stories we tell ourselves about ourselves can drive us to action or stifle action as well. If for example I tell a myself a story about who I am or am not, this may define me. It may not allow me to change, to be different or embrace a new reality or path. Being present and checking in with what is actually true for me in the moment allows me to challenge the story and be open to who I am now. Perhaps there is a story you are telling yourself, about yourself that needs challenging. Perhaps you are ready to write a new story and take that into your heart and mind. Explore, question and ask yourself "What is true for me now."

Friends

Our dogs

Howard and Arrow

Tom's BDay 2014 NYC

Owasco Lake

We are fortunate to live near a lake and have boat.